He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
