Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
