I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
