And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
