Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
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I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
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It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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