i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
