get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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