Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
we should paint friendship bongs
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