come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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