I wish I could teleport
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
