one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
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I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
the liver wants what the liver wants
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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