I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
