I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
