He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
