I'd wear matching sweaters with you
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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