A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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