Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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