I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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