The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
