The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
