I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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