and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My liver just had a heart attack.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
