i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just pee around me
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
