I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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