I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
