Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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