we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
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How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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