life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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