i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
