I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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