I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
