I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
