he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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