Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
