Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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