I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
