I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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