just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I did not marry a roomba.
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