I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
