someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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