Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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