Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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