he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
