I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
And then my night got REAL pukey
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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