And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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