Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
