and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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