What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.