It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
