Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
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I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
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Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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