I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
