i need an iv and a liver transplant
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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