yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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