Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
