You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
