I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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