how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
