I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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