3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My underwear smells like fireworks.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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